Miss my life...

I think the hardest part of this adventure is what I miss from before my Kidneys failed. All night poker games at Morongo, EDM at different clubs and locations, my job at Moreno Valley College.

But as I've said. With every ending comes a new beginning. I think this is the resurrection of the body and mind that so many religions believe in, only it happens in this life, many times over. My old life is gone, dead. I find myself morning my old life. This discovery was in its self a journey.

A 5 year adventure that had its ups and downs, as all lives do. For 3 1/2 years I fully believed I would return to that old life, as though nothing had ever happened. Then my toes were gone. And yet I still believed I would eventually get back to my old self. I even had people driving me to work and home, unable to walk, and under doctors orders to stay off my foot. But I was working.

Then the eye. Months of eye drops and ointments, not to mention the stinging and irritation from the eye medications.

And yet I went back to work again, trying to be the old me when the old me no longer existed. No matter how hard I tried, I slowly started to realize I couldn't do this. At first just a small idea in the back of my brain, like a tiny dark spot at the tip of an otherwise fine banana. In a very short time that black spot grew to engulf my entire mind. This all came pouring out on September 6, 2011 while at work. I had an emotional and physical breakdown, and I have not returned to work since.

Wow-talk about journeys... But this story was needed to bring things full circle.

At the moment I am in mental health once a week because I find I am in morning. I've suffered a loss that not many can understand, let alone help with. It has been in therapy that I have realized much of this. Grief is a difficult thing to deal with when an actual death does occur, but when the death is more symbolic, its hard to realize what's wrong.

Which brings me to my point. In my youth I was a raver. Not the kind you see today who go once or twice a year with 5000 others. Rather, I, and others like me, saw the rave scene as our spiritual gathering.

Peace, Love, Unity, and Respect.

PLUR - 4 simple words to live your life by. Something I always said back then was that it was all experiences, good or bad, that made me who I am. And I would live with no regrets.

As I've grown older, that younger me gave way to a career driven person who had become secluded from those I loved most. My job was my identity and nothing else mattered.

I've been reborn. That suit wearing, career driven, want to please everyone and couldn't say NO person is dead.

But I Live on, in a new adventure, or journey, or the next chapter in life- call it what you wish.

With all I am going through I would have it no other way. No regrets. And why? Some would ask. Because all my past experiences make me who I am today. I've discovered a love for everything Disney, I've connected with my nephew in ways I never thought possible, and I've reconnected with family.

Not to bad of a start to my new life.

PLUR

Lt

Cornea Transplant - Scheduled for Feb.

Good Evening Everyone,

I had an eye doctor appointment on Monday of this week.  Things are good.  My left eye (the good one) is doing fine.  No major problems seen.  As for the right eye, no change.  But as they say, no news is good news.  Anyways, a little back ground information...

Back in July of 2010, a few days before my birthday, I started to notice a little blurriness in my right eye.  Being at the time I had recently had my toes amputated (a story for another day) and my immune system was already low.  By the next morning I had lost most of the site in the eye and if you looked closely you could see a small mark on the center of my pupil.  Needless to say I tried to make a doctors appointment that day but when dealing with Optometrist appointments, you usually have to wait at a month for an appointment.  Within the next 2 days my eye turned completely red and my sight was completely gone.

Panicked, I went to the E.R. and from there they sent me to Optometry that same day.  Turns out I had developed a cyst that had become extremely infected, to the extent that the doctor was concerned that the infection could get into my blood system and go to my brain.  Yeah, fun news.

For the next 3 months I had to put 5 different eye drops in every 2 hours as well as an ointment at night before bed.  I can honestly say that is as close to hell as I would like to ever get to and I don't want to go back there again.  The drops were made specifically for me, extra strong, and hurt every time I had to put them in.  And that brings me to today...

I've been debating on having the cornea transplant for various reasons:

• I've grown used to the one eye thing and the eye patch
• Being on dialysis means my immune system is still low and infection after the surgery is a real risk
• The recovery time is 12 - 18 months and the chance of gaining my full vision back is very low
• The patch gives me personality HaH!

So why have I decided to have the transplant?  Simply put, I'm feeling like a hypocrite for not having it.

I've said from day one of my Kidney Failure that I would not give up hope of getting back to my old self.  Even if God did find it fit to supply me with a spare eye, accepting the bad eye when there are things I can do to correct it feels very much like giving up.

The best advice I can give to others in my position or any other life changing condition is this,
              Always have something to look forward to


Up until now those things have been Concerts and Comedy Shows...  Now it is my Cornea Transplant set for Feb. 2012.  Gaining even some of my sight back is something worth looking forward to.

-Lou

More than this-living on dialysis. Introduction

To begin

My name is Louis and I've been on dialysis for just over 5 years. With this blog I hope to create a place where I can share experiences as well as resources. I also hope to create a safe place for other to share their stories and resources they may have come ocross in their everyday living on dialysis.

I will try to keep the posy short but informational and I hope inspirational at the same time. Please feel free to follow and share this blog with everyone you know.

I will try my best to post each day.

Much love

Lou