I think the hardest part of this adventure is what I miss from before my Kidneys failed. All night poker games at Morongo, EDM at different clubs and locations, my job at Moreno Valley College.
But as I've said. With every ending comes a new beginning. I think this is the resurrection of the body and mind that so many religions believe in, only it happens in this life, many times over. My old life is gone, dead. I find myself morning my old life. This discovery was in its self a journey.
A 5 year adventure that had its ups and downs, as all lives do. For 3 1/2 years I fully believed I would return to that old life, as though nothing had ever happened. Then my toes were gone. And yet I still believed I would eventually get back to my old self. I even had people driving me to work and home, unable to walk, and under doctors orders to stay off my foot. But I was working.
Then the eye. Months of eye drops and ointments, not to mention the stinging and irritation from the eye medications.
And yet I went back to work again, trying to be the old me when the old me no longer existed. No matter how hard I tried, I slowly started to realize I couldn't do this. At first just a small idea in the back of my brain, like a tiny dark spot at the tip of an otherwise fine banana. In a very short time that black spot grew to engulf my entire mind. This all came pouring out on September 6, 2011 while at work. I had an emotional and physical breakdown, and I have not returned to work since.
Wow-talk about journeys... But this story was needed to bring things full circle.
At the moment I am in mental health once a week because I find I am in morning. I've suffered a loss that not many can understand, let alone help with. It has been in therapy that I have realized much of this. Grief is a difficult thing to deal with when an actual death does occur, but when the death is more symbolic, its hard to realize what's wrong.
Which brings me to my point. In my youth I was a raver. Not the kind you see today who go once or twice a year with 5000 others. Rather, I, and others like me, saw the rave scene as our spiritual gathering.
Peace, Love, Unity, and Respect.
PLUR - 4 simple words to live your life by. Something I always said back then was that it was all experiences, good or bad, that made me who I am. And I would live with no regrets.
As I've grown older, that younger me gave way to a career driven person who had become secluded from those I loved most. My job was my identity and nothing else mattered.
I've been reborn. That suit wearing, career driven, want to please everyone and couldn't say NO person is dead.
But I Live on, in a new adventure, or journey, or the next chapter in life- call it what you wish.
With all I am going through I would have it no other way. No regrets. And why? Some would ask. Because all my past experiences make me who I am today. I've discovered a love for everything Disney, I've connected with my nephew in ways I never thought possible, and I've reconnected with family.
Not to bad of a start to my new life.
PLUR
Lt
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